Ripples and a halfway reflection

So as promised to my amazing employees and LeapStars who were asking – here is a blog.   It is revealing a part of our private world, but I am a fan of brene brown (  and so it seems fitting that today will also show that Riwai and I are vulnerable too – and although it was not quite what I was expecting to be writing about but when you sit down in the quiet, with Katie Mellua playing and a nice hot a cuppa tea I have learnt it is best to just go with the flow of the keyboard….Two and a half years ago I started blogging while my family was nursing my nana at her home (in front of my old home) during her last stages of cancer.   I used this as a place of reflection to help me process my thoughts when in a sticky situation, that was because before nana was sick it was her I turned to when I was stuck.  I missed her terribly this weekend as Riwai and I faced a heart wrenching dilemma, and despite this blog being connected to my business nowdays it is where I turned today when we got stuck.

The ripple effect is based on the understanding that we are all connected, these connections stretch like an incredibly interwoven and complicated tapestry.

Riwai and I have faced our fair share of adversity but we also know that everyone we know has their own story too.   We are all shaped by the experiences that we have had, from birth until now, with every small experience contributing to how we see the world, and how we conduct ourselves in our world.

We also know that there are many things out of our control.  For us my diagnoses and Riwai’s diagnoses saw an end to our desperate want for a big whanau to fill our heart and our home.   When this didn’t happen for us because of our health, we also found that we were unlikely to have met the qualifications for fostering or adopting.   So with the help of the most wonderful specialists, counsellors and our own inner strength we found a way move forward, albeit differently than we had both imagined.    One specialist told us to surround ourselves with children, this was hard for me particularly as the smell of a new born is so over whelming,  there was no script or manual on how to feel, act or be around the children.    But he was right, spending time with children filled a void that words can not explain.

At heart we are both extremely family orientated, but some days knowing you will never be a parent or a grandparent leaves us at times both revelling in our own purpose, in why we are here and how we can possibly leave a legacy when our blood lines will not carry on.

It’s hard and at time is really really SUCKS!!!

Mother nature may not have given us the chance to bear children, but she did give us an incredible opportunity to inspire and empower those who have faced adversity.   The earthquakes of 2010 and 2011 opened doors of abundant opportunities, it is fair to say that she didn’t drop a pebble in the pond but more like a great big rocky range, and really it was a Tsunami rather than ripples that we have been navigating for the past five years.     But the earthquakes gave us both purpose, it gave us plenty of reason to get up in the morning,  Riwai as an emergency services worker and me as a personal trainer to encourage those around us to discover and share their good news.
We are now following a dream, chasing a way to leave a legacy and feel whole while we do it.   Riwai and I both believe that our thoughts and actions are like stones dropped in a pond and they create ripples that travel outward.   We hope that those ripples are positive and reach the people who need it and that those people in some way are able to find some inner strength like we did to carry on when life is tough.

This weekend though I have watched my tall, handsome, amazing husband crumble like a deck of cards, as he has crumbled so have I and the tears drop silently from both of us.   This weekend for a multitude of reasons he missed loved ones more than I thought possible,  somehow he has managed to get up, get dressed and keep going and for that I am incredibly proud.    It would have been easier for us to pack up and ship out, but we have dug deeper than we remember digging before and we have our LeapTribe to thank for that.  We have spent some time today reflecting and going through pictures from over our years with Leap to remind us why we should stay and keep our doors open.

Those who need to read this probably won’t, but we had to put pen to paper to remind ourselves and the amazing and wonderful people who follow us, watch us and include us that we are human and sometimes we get hurt, really hurt, just like everyone else.  And when these times happen that it is because of you and your positive support and encouragement that we both keep going.    Thank you for enriching our lives.

And to those others, I hope with all my heart that your actions this past week were a complete misunderstanding and that you have all done this unintentionally.  Riwai has the biggest heart and loving, giving nature.  So to be doing it knowingly makes no sense to me whatsoever.    It is heart breaking to see my beautiful soulmate in such a deep place of confusion, hurt and loss.

Your ripples have been wide reaching, and tomorrow we will face a new chapter in our lives together.   It is moments like this weekend that change people forever.   I already know it has changed us.   We will forgive but we won’t forget – it has already changed how we do things and why, and for some they may be caught up in the outer ripples of it.   Together we are already finding calm and peace in our hearts.

We have reminisced a lot this weekend about what makes us both truly happy, we have reflected on our wedding day and how we included everyone from both sides of our family to celebrate together,  we are proud that we have positively negotiated the effects of our diagnosis’s and the Chch Earthquakes and finally we are proud that instead of children we created a company to give our unconditional love and energy too.  We love being employers and owners of an inspirational social enterprise.   We have reignited our passion for travelling, sporting events and meeting new people around the globe.   We have new plans a foot and thanks to the ripples from a negative experience we have had the opportunity to reevaluate what we both want as a couple.

Tonight we rest easy as we know we are loved, and at the end of the day, that is what matters.

So thank you for those who are a part of the universes ripple effect.  We learn just as much from the negative ripples as the positive ones.   And both lead us to an abundance of love and belonging.   After all isn’t that what really matters in the world?

So my beautiful soulmate this song is for you

 “The Walls Of The World”
Katie Mellua

The sun is only shining like it always does
But I never noticed it in the sky before
And you don’t need to worry
‘Cause I need your love, my friendThere’s a strong kind of feeling when I know you’re near
Nobody alive can take it away from me
And I feel like I’ve known you for a thousand years
Bring it out into the light

‘Cause I think I’m gonna write it on the walls of the world
So everyone will know today the love I hold for you
I will write it on the walls of the world
So that the sun won’t fade away the words I say to you
I love you

And I know I’m not a loser when I’m on my own
I could be miles away in another land
And it keeps me together when I’m far from home
I won’t keep it out of sight

And I think I’m gonna write it on the walls of the world
So everyone will know today the love I hold for you
I will write it on the walls of the world
So that the sun won’t fade away the words I say to you
I love you