Confession Session!

Dear universe – I must confess it has been seven months since my last blog. It has been playing heavily on my mind that I have not been blogging. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about… In fact the opposite is true. So I decided that the best way to lay this blogging demon out of my negative mind chatter was to blog! Settle in for a read as I have a bit to catch you up on…

2014 had all the makings of a most spectacular year. My treatment from 2013 was working, I had been around the world showcasing my curves and crutches. I was back on my bike training for my dream of completing a half Graperide, and did so, inspiring some new gorgeous LeapStars to do the same and was blessed to cross the finish line with my soulmate and husband in his first ever bike event. I have discovered the wonderful benefits of eastern medicine which has kept my pain levels manageable. I have had the most wonderful opportunities to share my good news around the South Island, as I went on a roadshow for two different clients. It was breathtaking to travel and speak in Nelson, Blenheim, Christchurch, Dunedin and Queenstown. Leap is leaping ahead. Tutuman, Lou and Emma have been rocks as we took on five more contractors bringing our team to nine. This has opened more doors to ensure Leap offer the best holistic service for all of our clients. We have a fabulous range of clients from aged 8 – 67 and watching them grow in confidence and strength every week is so often reason I have continued to get out of bed and keep going.

On personal growth I have been blessed to be one of a handful of people from around NZ who have been meeting each month as part of the BE Leadership Program. All of us facing our adversity head on each month as we unravel who we are and how we can lead social change in our communities. I have had been meeting Fiona Miller a growth coach regularly who had helped me put into perspective who I am and what my legacy is.

I am sure that I am pulling off to the outside world that my world is wonderful. As my dad used to say “kiddo you have a great telephone voice… Meaning that no matter what is going on no one would know”. I think it’s because I could have been a great actress… Getting up every day to perform for the world. And then there is my more positive and rational brain believing I can pull off positive because it helps me get back on track quicker…

Because you see…..

This year has been one of the hardest years I have faced since my diagnosis – emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have done more writing this year than I ever have. Writing is such a cathartic way for me to process my world and find solutions to get back on track. It’s just not seemed right to publish my musings this year. I am sick of hearing about my woes so why on earth would anyone else still give a damn! I have had an enormous challenges and feel like I am stuck on a mouse wheel instead of the rollercoaster I used to love. Going up and down is fun…. Going around and around is not so fun. My mentors and medical team have helped keep most of my darkness away from the world. They all share the same view (maybe with different words….). “Cate, mentally you are a strong lady, but your body is constantly fighting itself and each year. It is your body that is dealing with the stress. It is your body that is slowly deteriorating as it copes with what is happening.”

If my body would let me I would jump up and down stomping my feet, yelling IT IS NOT FAIR! Hospital visits, new diagnosis, more teams, a broken house, an unloved garden, fighting with the neighbours, an EQR project manager who isn’t in our corner, an EQC process that is confusing, feeling like we stayed positive for four years just to be treated like “complainers”. Overwhelmed with grief… Tears as the rubbish bins head down the driveway – missing my nan and her hugs and wise words. Tears as I drive through town – feeling nostalgia as the great memories flood back of our beautiful city. Tears as I pack away the “box of memories” for my kids that will never be. Tears as we “perch” in a house that no longer feels like home, with that feeling of anguish and exhaustion and we are only at the start of the process. Moments of anger and grumpy outbursts at Riwai when I can’t get up without his help, turn the shower on or lift a cup without dropping it. Guilt as I see him be the best carer he can be so I can continue to do what I love and help others find their smiles. Exhaustion from doing the tiniest of movements when only a few months ago I was biking without a care in the world. Loneliness as I keep it all hidden as much as I can. Insomnia as I manage the pain.

Rheumatoid Arthritis is a cruel disease. Still there is no cure, it’s unpredictability so frustrating but tomorrow is a new day and another chance for a new beginning. Every day I am out of a wheelchair is a great day. Despite my dark moments I have the opportunity to make a difference in the world. I am so grateful that I have a strong mind, tenacity to turn this around, an awesome soul mate and brilliant medical team to work through this. My LeapStars give me a plethora of opportunity to discover good news to share. My Leap2it! Philosophy is my own daily plan to fall back on. Continuing to discover my way to love life, enjoy exercise, appreciate myself and surroundings, have a positive purpose, access hydration, be inspiring and be inspired and be part of a fabulous tribe.

This year much of my learning has been about vulnerability and so I have shared what is happening for me. It has been good to get it off my chest!

However… I have been here before.. Winter is tough for us. With spring less than four weeks away we believe the mouse wheel is about to break and … A familiar feeling that we haven’t felt for a long time is back… Hope! With a dash of courage!

Tomorrow on my zimmerframe we head to my rheumatologist for my 11th year check up…..we feel it will be good news 🙂 …